


Where's Your Heart Gone?

by lizthefangirl



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Angst, Bellarke, Canon Compliant, F/M, Speculation, season 5
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-11
Updated: 2018-07-11
Packaged: 2019-06-09 00:14:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 982
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15255186
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lizthefangirl/pseuds/lizthefangirl
Summary: 5.10 spec. Madi confronts Clarke in the rover about her decision to leave. Probably not how this will go, but how my heart needs it to go.





	Where's Your Heart Gone?

**Author's Note:**

> Whoops two fics in one day. Feel free to vent in the comments, like I'm in the same boat.

Clarke couldn't look at her as she drove. 

Couldn't bear to detect the new wisdom in her eyes. The smudge of ash between her brows.

That  _thing_ was in her head now. That parasite. 

She'd had it ripped out of her own neck. She knew something of its poison. But with Madi's blood. . .

When she'd spoken to the guard, in the voice that wasn't her own—in the Commander's voice,  _Lexa's_ voice—

Every sense was sharpened. Every instinct was honed towards getting away from that place, from its people.

From him _._

"Clarke, we should go back." 

"That's enough, Madi," she snapped, steering the rover through the ruins of Polis, the tree line in sight.

"How could you leave them?" she asked sharply. "After everything? How could y—"

"You know exactly how I could! They did this to you—you are a child, and he—"

" _He_ gave me a choice," Madi cried. "They all did. He didn't want to do it. He did it to save you, and so did I!"

She choked a bitter laugh. "No, Madi. He did it to save his  _family_." She spat the word.

"But you're his—"

Clarke slammed on the brakes hard enough to rattle her teeth, nostrils flaring as she turned, though her tone was frighteningly calm. "I couldn't get to you in time. I tried." She lifted her wrists—still terribly cut and bruised. "I tried, Madi. And I trusted him to keep you safe; he promised me—and then broke that promise to my face." 

"He—"

" _I don't want to hear another word about him_ ," she seethed, eyes shining. "He betrayed me, he let this happen to you. All three of them did." She didn't wait for another objection before she threw the rover back into drive, adding through gritted teeth, "Did he tell you he poisoned Octavia?"

Madi's shock reeled across the vehicle—and thankfully, it silenced her.

"You don't know him," Clarke rasped gently, eyes stinging. "Neither do I. Not anymore."

The silence stretched as they peeled across the forest floor. Such pain in her chest—not even her anger could stifle it. 

"I think. . . He did it for you. All of it."

She had to strain against a retort, her fury steeling into something hard and cold. 

"Don't you see that, Clarke?" 

She wouldn't lash out at her child anymore than she already had; this wasn't her fault. "Stop it, Madi."

"Just listen to me, please. He. . . he always did everything for his sister. In your stories, everything he did was to protect her. He would  _never_ hurt her. But he did."

" _Madi—_ "

"And the Flame—I was in the pit, Clarke! They weren't going to accept Indra as their leader! They wanted to march on the Valley, anyway." Her voice was hoarse. "Clarke. . . If he hadn't done this, you would have died. That's why he did it. He knew you would hate him, he did it anyway. Because he—"

" _Please, just stop it!_ " Suddenly, she couldn't rein in her violent tone, her volume. "Nothing is like it was— _nothing_. He chose his family. He chose them over me—over you  _and_ me. And I can't—" She gasped quietly. "I can't."

"Clarke, pull over."

It wasn't her voice—

 _Suddenly, I'm the one letting my heart rule my head._  

Small hands gripped the wheel, turning hard—

Clarke still held her arms out, trying to shield her as they careened, slamming to a halt.

She wheezed a sob, her hands trembling. "Oh my God. I'm sorry. I'm so—"

Arms wrapped around her, holding fierce. "Clarke, we don't have much time. They don't deserve to die, please."

She wept in earnest, hating the words. Hating all of it. Hating him. Hating him. 

But realizing—

_You have such a big heart, Bellamy._

_But the only way to make sure we survive is if you use_ this,  _too._

She could still see his wide eyes as she touched his temple. 

He had used it. Many times since he'd returned. 

He'd let Echo go with the defectors. He'd helped her put Cooper in that quarantine. 

And when he'd poisoned Octavia. . .

She'd thought that was his head, too. What he did to Madi certainly was. 

 _He would_  never  _hurt her._

"Oh God," she whispered.

They both startled as something banged on the driver's side window. Clarke peered through the glass, eyes bleary with tears—

But for the second time that day, the barrel of a rifle was in sharp focus.

 

—

 

He was roaring. 

Bellowing, like a feral animal. Like a damned  _animal._

Her chagrined face flashed in his head, a phantom hand striking his cheek—

He twisted his body a second too late, Indra's blade grazing his ribs. Pure malice shown on her scarred face.

Gaia was lying at the edge of the pit, limp. Terribly still.

Like Madi had been, last he'd seen her. After crying out in agony—

_You promised!_

He cried out as he parried with the short sword, hating the red chamber above. The feral creature on the throne. 

_You promised you'd keep her safe!_

Hating every single blow he landed. 

_Bellamy!  
_

Every brain-washed person clutching the caged walls.

_BELLAMY!_

And loving her through every hit he took.

_A traitor._

Indra feigned a dive to his right, using her smaller frame to sweep his feet from under him. 

_Mama bears don't think—_

Wonkru loosed a ravenous cheer as his head smacked the blood-stained concrete.

_They just—_

The hilt came down onto his gut.

_Protect—_

Octavia's crimson-cast face swam in his vision—and then he was being dragged by his collar—

Rough metal crushing his windpipe—

 _I'll kill you quick_ , Indra had sworn.

That was before he'd struck down her daughter. 

 

 

His vision swam, the crowd's roaring faint in his ears as he struggled. 

 

_Promise me!  
_

 

_I promise._

 

_And now you're home._

 

_Heart and head._

 

_You're really here._

 

_Together._

 

_Together._

 

_Together._

 

 

 

 

 

 

_She'll never forgive you._

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> (Title from "Where's Your Heart Gone" by Golden Youth, aka very good blarke song)
> 
> Yeah that episode got me real good. Does it make me a nerd to reply to every single comment? Because they all mean so much to me...


End file.
